Discussion in 'Worldbuilding' started by Vessboy, Apr 25, 2010.
It's a really good idea in concept and execution, I just think the speech needs a little work. If you could post the transcript? Then we could work on it and you could redo, mebbe? It wouldn't need a redoing of the video and could easily be a really good trailer for Empires.
retried Master Sergeant Sen Terin A. Burrows
My topic today however, is of a much more serious nature.As many of you know attacks have been launched against residential districts of peace loving Brenodi cities by elements of the rebellious Jekotian rabble.These terrorist acts,threaten to, if they go on unchecked, unravel every thread of progress made over the past 40 years. These unhappy few are not true to the honored foes I my self fought in the last ‘Great War.’ They are pathetic examples of a disillusioned group of dissenters determined to pervert our goals for peace and civilization in the lands of our former enemies. We are at war not only to put down an illegal uprising but for the sake of our children and theirs. Just as the Global Empire before us subjugated uncivilized tribes for their own good, so must we too, in our benevolence—
As written by Don megel
Try and keep it about the same length. I'd also like a diff voice acter if some one can pull it off
You should make a NF version to. Don't give those BE bastards all the glory!
IMO at the end instead of a gunshot and his death, it should sound more like the NF have invaded wherever he is. Have an explosion and a loud thump, like a room being breached and the door blown off, angry shouting, the man in his final moments trying to save his life, etc.
and download the whole version of fraps
your voice acting sounds like you are forcing a deep voice but really it makes you sound like you are attempting to imitate clint eastwood. Just lower your by thickening your throat not by narrowing it and making it come out scratchy.
Ok, so I changed it - mostly the last paragraph. It was actually not that bad, but some sentences were, and remain, far too long to easily say. It's not bad to read but hard to say.
I figured out what some of the problems are though, and I have some comments:
1. To begin with, open to clapping, so that "My topic today however, is of a much more serious nature" is not completely redundant as it sounds.
2. You mispeak the line "We are at war not only to put down an illegal uprising but for the sake of our children and theirs." (the just part)
3. Some of the flow of your speech is very good, and hits just right, but some of it doesn't. I'm not sure if you practiced, but it's always a good idea to walk around your room and say the lines about 3 times, so you get the flow and cadence in your head.
4. What Grantrithor said could also be a symptom of sitting down and doing this. Most times, if you can speak while standing, your voice will sound a lot better, because your abdomen will give it more range...or something. Basically you sound better standing up...which is why no one gives speeches sitting :p
In the end, my rewrite might not be as helpful as you just running through the speech a few times, and speaking standing up. It does wonders for it..and I do think your voice is pretty good for this, but stop acting it and start feeling it.
Yeah I know that seems really stupid to say, but the straighter you deliver a speech like this, the more impact it will have. It shouldn't be hard, just imagine you are in world war II (allied, despite the temptation), and think of who your audience are.
NF are poor evil terrorists. They cannot afford direct confrontation, thus the assassination. It would be logical to assume that the gun shot was from some distance away, and that where ever he is giving the speech is a a public area with a lot of spectators and security. NF has no reason to follow up with a ground invasion if the primary objective, the assassination was achieved.
Contradictory to what you stated is EmpiresMod, where the NF has the military might to fight the Brenodi. Same goes for the backstory. They are more than terrorists, but the Brenodi labels them as such for propaganda ('Help us stop the terrorists!' has much more recruitment appeal than 'They want their land back. We don't want to give it to them. Let's kill them all!' The NF can do direct confrontation. And I never said ground invasion. I'm talking about a small squad sent to capture the senator.
its retarded to capture someone you just fatally shot.
You need to learn to read. I said remove the gunshot. LEARN TO READ.
I'd agree with Jessiah the NF are not "terrorists".
They're still terrorists.
Just because terrorists have tanks, doesn't mean they aren't terrorists.
I bet they've ran over plenty of civilians.
Still improbable. At the first sign of danger, VIP are escorted out.
this is amazing should be intro to empires
And what did BE do? The Jekotians weren't represented in the new government which lead to hatred. It's just like the plebeians and the patricians but this time the plebeians rebelled. The Brenodi always kept the Jekotians down and this is what they get for it. If the Jekotians are terrorists then the Brenodi are fascists.
"The Jekotians are continually repressed by the Brenodi from political power in the government to quality of living in the designated areas they are allowed to inhabit. The Jekotians are unable to fight back diplomatically due to their little representation in the government."
"....aid in their struggle to win back their independence."
Affirmative action is for pussies.
The NF are NOT terrorists, they are the rebirth of Jekotia's military, and the fighters of the rebellion for their freedom.
Right, but from the Brenodi point of view, to begin with they started off as small cells, fighting for their freedom from the state. As well as the fact that the Brenodi secret service made a number of civilian spectacles as Jekotians, to incite the Brenodi people to war.
Separate names with a comma.