Discussion in 'Worldbuilding' started by D.D.D. Destroyer, Jun 10, 2012.
The first time you name a character and begin to refer to him as "he" that is the person who is known as "he" for the rest of the paragraph, if not the story. You badly need to decide on a point of view, and quotation marks and paragraphs are what makes a story with dialogue readable, unless you're Cormac McCarthy, use quotation marks. You also need to identify the speaker, on re-reading this I guess "he" is almost always paradox, but that is affirmed so rarely, and so many other names are thrown around, that it gets confused. Identify your speakers when they are other than the central character.
Each paragraph was indented above, but I guess the forum doesn't respect blank spaces before the words. I'm not trying to be a douche here, and it's pretty darn good considering you had to do work to translate it too. I'm honestly just trying to help, not tryin to be douchy.
1. The barrack simply is there. It looks good in Polish, I guess not so much in English.
2. Sonecha just spoke, a completely new line is being said. Guess who is speaking if there are only two people inside. If it was a third person it would be explained in the next few sentences of the story.
3. The sentence before says that Paradox sat down. It pretty much indicates who the "he" is.
In third-person narrated stories I refer to "he" as the last person mentioned by name in the text. It's pretty logical and straightforward for me.
Each and every spoken thing is preceded by a hypen. That is how it's written in every book in Polish, only the ones I own in English use those tarded quotation marks which still sometimes confuse me. And as I said I just translated what I had into English rather than creating something from scratch. The story I write on my blog, however, has quotation marks as I started it under heavy influence of English books.
And yes, the original text actually had all the paragraphs properly divided and easily readable, and I simply copy-pasted it in good hopes. Only now did I notice it's actually fucked up. I'll edit that into order once I get back home.
And it's not Paradox.
Also, shit, I missed an update. Will fix once I get home too.
may i criticise? your story lacks adjectives and adverbs, youve started well with a "dark, cold januray night", but in the 3rd sentence you already start fall into this characterless enumeration of events -> "he goes here, does that and goes somewhere else. then he said blah blah to someone and leaves". it lacks moods, both for scenes and characters ...
go through the text again and add a lot of adjectives and adverbs. be more descriptive, more detail. also the arc of suspense suffers greatly from this. the end where all seems to went wrong reads too much like "this happens, this happens, this happens, gg"
i hope you understand what im trying to say. it might be a lot bc its in english, idk, i just meant to give you critics and its not meant bad or offensive so dont defend yourself against it, just consider it.
And I repeat once again even though it's a rather poor excuse, it was supposed to fit inside a space limit, and it barely did, and all I did was rewrite what I had into English.
And once again I whore out my awesome English story on the blog, because it has more descriptions.
Separate names with a comma.