Discussion in 'Worldbuilding' started by DeadReckoning, Sep 27, 2006.
Um...you bumped the thread to tell us your comp specs?
obviously you didnt notice chapter 3 above on the for brotherhood, story.
sorry didnt mean to sound rude but please understand my pain from using a 6"x3" pocket pc thats 5 years old ;;
Yeah, that's gotta suck.
I'm terribly sorry that I haven't learned to shit gold bricks by now...
I've started reading this... Gotta finish it some other time.
:confused: No worries, not many people can do that.
For Brotherhood, (Continued)
90 days has passed since our little brother left this world. But he has since passed my mind. Like all those whom have passed, faded from my memory. As each was sucked out, willingly or unwilling? I cannot decide. Megale had been sent home. Without an arm, ripped apart from a blast that blew about 6feet away. Haunting memory, as i watched his arm gone and his blood spewing from what was torn.
This war feels lonely, without my brothers. Whom watched over me, and I the same. Now I dont have that same comfort. To be in this war without a form of brothers, is a death far worse than the fate of an unkown bullet. I met this nurse, no words could describe her. Maybe cause I had no words left to behold the meaning of beautiful. She was the only one in my mind, that kept me going. Until one day she wasnt there. She was sent home, and her face was left with only 1 eye. My heart sank, and I begged for death. But I couldnt recieve it. Only to be saved, by a new brotherhood.
"Jak, wake the fuck up man!" I recieved a hard slap on the shoulder from Dan, "Wake up call!" and suddenly we just hit the dirt in our hole. "How much we got for breakfast?" I yelled as mortar fire hit the barren land. "Looks like we got alot of scrambled eggs." He said loudly with a chuckle. "About time some food came." Said Krenz right behind me. "Fucking Gunny's dog tasted worst than the shit that came out of it"
The sound of fire ceased. Krenz broke the silence, "What no fucking dessert?" Dan looked at him, "Just shut up and keep your head out of the green,"* "Gunny, get your ass on that gun and scope out any fucking diggers!**" He barked as an order. He went without question, looking down his rifle, and a loud blast shouted at our ears.
To Be Continued
*refrence to Krenzo and the matrix-like code ;D
**refrence to how the BE tries to dig the Jekotians out of their holes.
might not sound as good, but im trying to keep up.
really like the refrences to Developers your doing :D
Nice stuff, but every time I want to find out "What happnes next?" do they ever get ammos? does Krenz survive without being disinfigured?
Ya, I felt like adding Krenz a bit for comic relief
I hope he and others take time to read this if they do, ill mysteriously kill them o.o
Im also going to put some people from the forums, cause frankly, I really like everyone on here, they all kick ass.
"Mud-Chuck* down!" screamed Gunny.
Blast of gun fire whistled passed him moments after he ducked.
"Yee-Haw, gives you a rush dont it Jak" Krenz yelled as he slapped his muddy hand on my jacket. I didnt mind, and could only try to grin.
Dan looked at us,"Get ready guys," he peered out our hole. "5 meters away is some tank debris, Jak and Krenz, you guys get the run. Gunny and I will support." peering once more, he looked at us and back to Gunny.
"Covering Fire!" Dan Screamed, and gunny joined with his gun-fire.
"This is what were made for baby," As he helped me out and to the remains of the tank. I ran as fast as i could. each step I took, felt like I was walking for miles. Next moment I knew, Krenz threw me to the tank, but it was almost too late for him, as a big pack of dirt hit him hard. Nearly tearing of his leg. Looking at me he said in his sarcastic voice. "Thats gonna leave a mark"
"Oh shit." I looked through my bag, "Im out of ammo, for fucks sake." Krenz looked at me, "How do you get ammo?" he just gave me his pistol, since I lacked one. "Just fire away baby." He pat my back again. Supporting covering fire while I set up a snake-can**. Krenz looked at me, "Load the snake and pop the top Ja-" he was cut short as a bullet streamed at his chest. I could only panic for a second and I fired the motar, I crawled as fast as i can to Krenz. Who tried to crawl on the ground coughing and wheezing his way back to the tank.
*refrence to prarie dog-like creatures in Jekotia, with a little bright spot on their head when they pop out of their holes.
** Snake can was a mobile, and disposable motar tube which popped out a shell that looked as if a snaked popped out of a can.
Nuu Krenz getting killed
But I really like the jokes about "How do I get ammos" and I swear to god that said "Mowtar" instead of mortar...
ssshhh you dont know what happens in the next chapter =) I have a funny surprise!
"Crap!Crap!" I screamed out as i reached for Krenz rings, pulling him towards the cover. "KRENZ!" I screamed, with a shaken look in his eyes he reached in his right pocket. Chucking out a clip with a bullet still stuck. He looked at me, "YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! WHY MY AMMO YOU @&*! SUCKERS!" he screamed at the Brenodi Imperial soldiers. "FUCKERS!" he said, "FUCKERS! FUCKERS FUCKERS!" he continued now with a chuckle of a mad man. "Woo Wee!" he grabbed his rifle and began picking off targets. 1 fell, followed by another. "AHAHA TAKE THAT FUCKERS!" he said as another one fell.
In the distant line of fog that now crept near the Brenodi lines, we could only hear a whistle. "HAHA THEIR FUCKING RETREATING JAK!" my ease with Krenz soon departed, as this new found madness grew within him.
"Oh im gonna get you now fuckholes!" He dashed towards the front line. Sound of a gun went off.
"Ahh you mother fucker!" I looked back and saw dan holding his pistol out at Krenz. "Its only a flesh wound, think you need to calm down and get your stupid ass to the med tent."
Krenz still screamed in agony, Dan looking back at me. "Pick his sorry ass up."
I grabbed Krenz shoulder rings, dragging him, "Be careful man, my fucking leg feels like its blown off mother fucker!" Looked back and turned my head foward with a little laugh. "Its only a fucking scratch" I said in my head and laughed the whole way back to the village, as the next duty came to replace us from our 12 hour shift.
We all stood in the med tent laughing as Krenz wenched at his little scratch. "Were not gonna let you live this one down eh squirt?" Dan chuckled.
"It hurts like a bitch man, you would too if you got shot."
"I've been shot many times." Replied Dan.
"Oh ya how many?"
"None as bad as this, and thats the way its gonna stay" We laughed at the reply.
I looked at Krenz. He covered his shame with a pillow. "You keep that pillow there, for a seriously wounded man needs his comfort" Another burst of laughs came.
"Lets get some chow," Dan said, "This one needs the doctor."
With a laugh we walked to the mess hall. I walked with a grin on my face. Went into the line, and dug up some Jekotian Army made crap.
To be continued.
meh, im deciding if i like this chapter ;/
Krenz sure has a mouth like a sailor :D
hehe I think hes funny, in a way o.o hes probably like the opposite of the actual Krenzo.
I added the curse words to make him in a panic, and trying to cover that up by swearing as much as he can.
Anyways, somtime during the weekend, Im gonna post a poem from psychology class, we had to do a 50 top billboard song titles and put them in a poem, and I thought of a really good poem, so hopefull It can be a way of saying, "Sorry for my poor dialogue skillz"
AH-HA! i figured out an excuse about the story lately,
Ok, in the Brotherhood when you read the first chapters, they seemed almost poetic, and kinda a sense of beauty, then later it turns ugly.
Reason now, if you remember when he looked at Megale, and what he once was and became. You see this happen to Jak, within 3 months of course, he started fresh, then as the time went, he went grim with the experiences he had during then and now.
Ok, just thought that was a good excuse if you think the story isnt becoming up to par !
isn't it creepy, krenzo... when people start planning out you're death n all, and turning you into a madman.... on your own forum....
jokes. keep going DeadReconing! you get better each time. just don't rush it. or something.
ya, i was afraid of sounding like im rushing, But actually, im trying to experiment with dialogue, Im using this as a chance to help build some dialogue, but also to put the story as a form of soldiers bonding, hence brotherhood =D.
But dont worry, Krenz didnt die, and hes not really a mad man, it was really the panicing that made him sound like that. Hes really the funny guy in here. Gunny is like the sniper or machine gunner, holy crap i forgot which one he was , but hes almost like that Dev guy from Star Wars: Republic Commander with that dark voice, thats why he rarely speaks. I put Dan to make a joke about Lt. Dan from Forest Gump but it fits =D
Months over-due, but so little update. After coming to my mind, I decided since where I last left off, It will be a time of calm, and to reflect upon in that style that some people liked of my writing. But times of peace last only so long. Now the continuation of the story.
The shit went down rough, as it always had. Sore throats and chipped lips made the sting from the Eptka worse. Even a good soldier needs something in him. My eyelids grew heavy as I left the church made into a mess hall, arm around shoulders, walking to the so-called barracks, a flashback of a faded memory came into my head, the promise that broke, with the words of my mouth, towards my younger brother.
Laying upon the stretched blanket on the rotten wooden floor, I could only look up, upon a roof that still creeked. Memories that were ethereal to my mind, came back. A figure of my younger brother, Dekote I believed that name never had been true. I reached my hand towards the ghostly figure my brother, I whispered to him “I’m sorry”.
The shade vanquished and I fell into the dreams, only to be comforted by nightmares. For my brothers, I wished for death.
Time to use my secret hobby and rip you a new one!
With large paragraphs, you should have some space in between them.
It makes it hard to read.
The hell. You think we can read that?
If you are going to have people talking you need to have a new line for each new sentace someone says. This looks horrible.
New font size is also bizzar. Keep with one font size.
I don't give a damn about how good any story is but 500 or so word chapters fails.
This is way to small.
*I could say much more but I was being nice*
Separate names with a comma.