A n00b's Guide to Empires

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  1. Mrdie

    Mrdie Banned

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    This is a repost of a thread made in the old (temporary) forums by "DaMaN". I am reposting it so people can easily access it for enjoyment.

    *Note: Satirical

    So you just got Half life 2, skipped the single-player,
    and got banned from all the Half life 2 Deathmatch
    servers? Don’t worry, you can play Empires!

    But first you need to know how!

    http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y192/Da_HL_MaN/empiresguiden00b.jpg

    The definitive How-To.


    Introduction:

    First of all, I would like to congratulate you for
    deciding to read this article. If you’re already a n00b,
    don’t worry, this article will still help you in your
    plight. If you’re a beginner n00b, this article will help in
    your quest for n00bishness! But enough about n00bs;
    let’s get on to the game!
    Most Empires games have three phases, the
    Beginning, Middle, and End. This guide will allow you to
    play as a n00b in all three phases, remaining annoying
    to your teammates and preventing any real work from
    getting done. Empires is a game all about teamwork,
    so obviously, you must never help your team. In fact,
    you could even do things that hinder your team! (More
    examples on this later).
    Before we get into the three game phases,
    here are a few ground rules:
    Rule 1:
    DON’T READ THE MANUAL
    Rule 2:
    DON’T DISOBEY RULE 1
    Rule 3:
    THE COMMANDER IS ALWAYS WRONG
    Rule 4:
    WHERE IS THE AMMO?
    Rule 5:
    DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR KEYS DO

    The Teams:

    There are two teams in Empires, the Northern
    Faction and the Brenodi Empire. (Actually, in Empires
    they are known as factions, but you don’t need to
    remember that). Both have detailed and complicated
    backstories, which you shouldn’t read. The point is, you
    should join whichever has the most players.

    Beginning Phase:

    There’s one initial problem with the Beginning
    Phase, you don’t spawn! This is a very problematic
    situation, and the only thing you can do is ask your
    teammates repeatedly.

    Ok, once you spawn, since it’s the very
    beginning and you know your Starcraft, you want to
    rush your enemy as fast as possible. Since you don’t
    have zerglings, you are going to need a
    tank. Fortunately, your team starts out with the perfect
    tank!

    http://empiresmod.info/images/d/dd/NFCV2.jpg
    This is known as the Boom Tank.

    It’s a bit big and clumsy, but it is fast and will
    help you evade all the blockades your team is setting
    up. If they ask you to get out of their tank, just ignore
    them and drive like mad to the enemy base. That’s
    where the action is! Once you get there, (ignoring more
    cries from your teammates about some “com vehicle”),
    you should immediately try running the enemy
    over. You get extra points for getting the tank stuck on
    a turret (double points if it’s a missile turret!)

    This is the best position for your Boom Tank:
    http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/6289/noob77xb.jpg
    Or this one:
    http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/3637/noob93ng.jpg

    If you aren’t fast enough to grab the tank and
    some idiot is just sitting in it doing nothing, don’t worry,
    there are plenty of other things a n00b can do around
    the base!

    Some suggestions for the Beginning Phase:
    - Ask where the ammo is
    - Ask how you join a squad
    - Throw grenades randomly
    - Don’t build anything
    - Except walls, build lots of walls
    - Stand right next to the resource nodes (the little rocks with smoke coming out of them)
    - Proclaim someone as a cheater
    - Ask again where the ammo is

    Now that your teammates have a base set up
    and some resource nodes captured, you’ll start getting
    harassed by the enemy. This is known as the Middle
    Phase, and it provides many opportunities for a good n00b.

    Middle Phase:

    If you have done the beginning phase
    correctly, you shouldn’t even get to this phase, having
    already won the game by running over all the enemies
    infantry and buildings with the Boom Tank. However, if
    your team isn’t yelling at you already, there is plenty
    more you can do to ensure your ultimate victory!

    Traditionally, a large building called a “vehicle
    factory” will have magically dropped from the sky, and
    your teammates will have constructed it. This is a very
    important building, as it houses all the other tanks in
    the game. Even though someone has jacked your
    special tank, you can still get other tanks from the
    vehicle factory (but they’re not as good).

    Here’s what one looks like:
    http://empiresmod.info/images/b/be/IMPVehiclefactory.jpg

    You want to get to this building as soon as
    possible and buy about 30 jeeps. These jeeps are
    essential to winning the game! The more jeeps you
    have, the more you can rush around the battlefield
    doing donuts, jumps, and wheelies, with complete
    disregard for the approaching enemy. Try to get a jeep
    ontop of some of your teams buildings. In fact, you can
    use the jeep to ram into the starting tank, flipping it
    over in the hopes the person inside will get out.
    Like this:
    http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a358/OutlawFurey/empscreens/CommOntopofBarracks.jpg
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2006
  2. Mrdie

    Mrdie Banned

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    Part Two

    You can also buy other vehicles too! There
    are light tanks, AFV’s, and APC’s for you to choose from,
    and all of them are very useful and can do a lot of
    damage to the enemy. When you are building a tank,
    this screen thingy will come up:
    http://www.empiresmod.com/media/emp_oct_02.jpg

    You want to be sure that nothing is in those
    little boxes. Click and drag the little pictures off of the
    tank and drop them somewhere else. The fewer of
    those little boxes, the lighter your tank will be, as
    dictated by the Weight display, and thus, the better
    your tank will be. Once you build the tank, it will appear
    in the vehicle factory, and you will be in it! It’s really
    exciting to drive a tank, there’s a feeling of power when
    you are rumbling across the battlefield. You can run
    over enemy infantry, and even run over friendly
    infantry! There are problems firing the tank,
    however. Your normal mouse clicks don’t seem to work
    in the tank, so ask your team repeatedly how a tank fires.

    If tanks aren’t really your style, there’s
    another thing a good n00b can do: Scouting. Change
    your class to scout, and slowly walk towards the enemy
    base. Alternately, you can use one of the 29 jeeps you
    have built (one has probably blown up by now). Scouts
    are important because they have one of the most
    powerful weapons in the game: the
    binoculars. Seriously. Press the right mouse button
    and your view will zoom in. Point it at the enemy’s base
    and press the left mouse button. A red attack diamond
    will appear at your target, dealing hundreds of points of
    damage to the enemy! At the same time, a cool voice
    will sound saying that you’re calling in for artillery. Keep
    clicking! The more times that voice sounds, the more
    damage you do to the enemy. (Ignore what your team
    is yelling at you).

    Some suggestions for the Middle Phase:
    - Ask where the ammo is
    - Ask how you join a squad
    - Urge your commander not to research anything and conserve resources
    - Alternately, urge your commander to research useful things, like Biology, but don’t let him research past that
    - Don’t miss a chance to grab the Boom Tank and run it towards the enemy base
    - Ask how to get a skill
    - Ask again where the ammo is
    - Proclaim someone as a cheater

    Now that the enemy has harassed you some,
    and both teams are getting fairly built up, one team will
    start to win, either with more tanks or more
    cheats. This is known as the End Phase, and is where
    one of the teams Boom Tanks gets killed. Make sure it’s
    yours.

    End Phase:

    At this point in the game, there are a lot more
    tanks available. Some, like the heavy tank, are really
    big and imposing, (though not quite as much as the
    Boom Tank).

    Here’s a picture of one:
    http://www.empiresmod.com/media/emp_oct_17.jpg

    This team, while it does have a Boom Tank
    and a heavy tank (WOW!), is not doing a very good
    job. They should be assaulting with the Boom Tank and
    blocking the vehicle factory with the heavy tank. This is
    always a good idea, because it prevents enemy vehicles
    from getting inside your vehicle factory and blowing up
    all the unbuilt vehicles. Don’t let anybody move it.

    Now that you have your vehicle factory well
    secured, it’s time to start harassing both the enemy and
    your team. A good idea at this point is to buy the most
    expensive tank you can make (before blocking the
    vehicle factory of course). This is usually the heavy
    tank. Outfit it with the bulkiest armor and the biggest
    engine, but make sure none of those little boxes have
    any pictures in them! (see Middle Phase). You then
    want to take your new tank and drive it in a fairly
    random direction. Trying to run over the enemy is good,
    trying to run over your teammates is better!

    One thing to note: all tanks are
    amphibious. That means that you can drive them in the
    water! You should do this as much as possible to avoid
    minefields, but watch out for sharks.

    There’s also a new type of tank available –
    the Artillery Tank. (This has nothing to do with the
    Scout’s binoculars). Artillery tanks are really cool, and
    do a lot of damage. It’s kind of hard to see what an
    artillery tank is shooting at, so the best idea is to drive
    right into the enemy base so you can’t
    miss. Alternately, you can just fire randomly, letting
    your teammates guide you. Since you are in a vehicle,
    all your directions are reversed, so follow the reverse of
    whatever your teammates are telling you.

    At this point in the game, you should also
    start bugging your commander to build an Aircraft
    Factory. Aircraft are one of the most useful things in the
    game. You can do dive-bombing runs, kamikaze
    attacks, and loop-dee-loops. Keep bugging your
    commander to build one. There IS one in the game, you
    just have to keep asking.

    If you are an engineer, you should make as
    many turrets as possible. The front of your base should
    look like this:
    http://comp.uark.edu/~nnthomp/farm.jpg
    If you have done it correctly, nobody will be
    able to get in or out, thus solidifying victory.

    Finally, there will come a point where your
    team swarms over the enemy base. Keep killing things,
    but remember not to shoot at the enemy Boom
    Tank. It’s too powerful, so kill everything around it
    before trying to destroy it.

    Here’s the image of a perfect game, with your Boom Tank on the right:
    http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/5706/rofl3wd.gif

    Some suggestions for the End Phase:
    - Ask where the ammo is
    - Ask how you join a squad
    - Ask for an Aircraft Factory
    - If the commander has restricted vehicle creation, bug him until he builds you a heavy tank
    - Then don’t use it
    - Don’t miss a chance to grab the Boom Tank and run it towards the enemy base
    - Block the vehicle factory exit by any means necessary
    - Ask again where the ammo is
    - Proclaim someone as a cheater


    And now that you’ve got yourself banned from every Empires server, you can move on to Counter Strike: Source!


    -DaMaN

    P.S. Many thanks to the people on the forums whose images I used!
     
  3. Solokiller

    Solokiller Member

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    You have just violated copyright laws, you will be banned in 24 hours.
     
  4. Mrdie

    Mrdie Banned

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    He copyrighted it? And even if he did, I still gave him full credit.

    Edit: No, I didn't violate any US copyright laws at all.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2006
  5. Stu

    Stu BehälterGott

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    That was fucking hilarious. Too bad every word is true. :(
     
  6. Sebybeby

    Sebybeby Member

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    Ha, good one Mrdie, you certainly took the time :o
     
  7. Bodrick

    Bodrick Ye Olde Supermod

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    You need to fix the image tags :) It's better with them thumbnailed.
     
  8. Solokiller

    Solokiller Member

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    This guide is basically telling people how to abuse and ruin games.
    My post above was to force you to delete the thread, but seeing it as you're an idiot anyway(you can't even win the blackhole elections!), i think i'll just avoid discussions with you from now on.
     
  9. Beerdude26

    Beerdude26 OnThink(){ IsDownYet(); }

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    Fun fact: Anything you send through U.S. mail will automatically be copyrighted under U.S. law.
     
  10. AlexCA117

    AlexCA117 Member

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    Its a joke thread, get over it.
     
  11. dizzyone

    dizzyone I've been drinking, heavily

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    Everything you can prove you made first is copyrighted(not just US), US mail has date stamps that prove the date you made it.
     
  12. AnRK

    AnRK Member

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    great to see nerdy computer game elitisms alive and well in this community as well as everywhere else ;)
     
  13. Angry

    Angry Junior Member

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    Its not elitism (I don't see how you could figure), its just that noobs can take this as what you should really do (Because their noobs) and ruin/abuse every game. All we want is games to be played correctly so everyone makes an effort (even if they suck) and everyone has fun.
     
  14. AlexCA117

    AlexCA117 Member

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    Anyone who is stupid enough to take a obvious joke thread like this seriously is retarded on such a level that theyre going to be a problem ingame regardless if they read this or not.
     
  15. The Buttery Lobster

    The Buttery Lobster Drama Queen.

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    Amen, alex. Amen.
     
  16. Mrdie

    Mrdie Banned

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    Let's recap:

    1. It's a joke thread.
    2. Winning/losing a mostly joke election isn't a very good indicator of someones intelligence.
    3. You admit that you tried to scare me by saying that the topic was copyrighted.
     
  17. Stu

    Stu BehälterGott

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    Most n00bs do this anyway.
     
  18. AnRK

    AnRK Member

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    to be honest there are (unfortunately) enough incredably sad people who would create such a thread with a serious tone.

    the thing that pisses me off on the whole "n00b" issue is people will slag new players off to no end when they could be helping them to get to grips with a game, that and people who act like dicks are also labeled likewise when theyre pretty much just a bellend.

    anyway now ive got that out of me, sorry for taking it seriously when if id looked at it before 3 in the morning or whenever the hell it was i would of thought otherwise
     
  19. The Buttery Lobster

    The Buttery Lobster Drama Queen.

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    I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

    George Carlin
     
  20. Stu

    Stu BehälterGott

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    Definatly true, not everyone who is new to this mod wants to ruin it. Most just want to enjoy it, but they can't because people are being assholes. (Although they SHOULD RTFM... >:P)
     
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